Plane Talk-P.A.'s Flight Attendants Wish They Could Make

Photo by Arlene Denning

 Flight attendants are required to make certain announcements over the public address system.  (P.A.'s)  

   I usually stick with the company-approved announcements.  That doesn't mean other ideas don't occur to me.

Here are some of my fantasy P.A.'s:

General:

Stuff I'd just love to say over the public address system:

     We are painfully aware that, to most people, the announcements on the plane sound identical to the voices of teachers in the Peanuts cartoon specials.  I often have an urge to just say this:

     "Waaahhhhwaaaahhhh waaaahhh waaaaaahhh waaahhh waaahhhh..."

or...

     "We're just going to skip the safety demonstration today, as I know no one's listening anyway.  If the FAA asks...just tell them you saw it."

or...

     "Please...everyone...use your phones, use your computers...anytime.  Don't fasten your seat belt...walk around during take-off, slam into the ceiling during turbulence.  See if we care.  You're on your own peeps.   Go crazy. "

Frequent Flyer Programs:

     Airlines really covet frequent flyers.  They use incentive programs to get them to prefer one carrier over another.  The problem is people constantly want to one-up other passengers so airlines keep coming up with new categories.  It gets kind of silly.  I always want to welcome these passengers like this:

     "We extend a special welcome to our Premium, Gold, Platinum, Titanium, Sapphire, Diamond, Emerald, Ruby, Top Tier, Top Top Tier, Tippie Top Tier, A Cut Above Those Poor Slobs in the Tippie Top Tier, Admiral, Brigadier General, Ruler of All You Survey, Elite, Air Pass, Space Pass, Inter-Galactic Pass, Apex, Acme, Peak, Primo, Topmost, Uppermost, Better Than Uppermost, Summit, Pinnacle, Crown, Continental, Global, Universal, Million Mile, Gazillion Mile, Infinity Mile,  and Infinity Times Infinity mile members." 

       

Boarding:

      "Now that we've built you up...let's face the facts:  while each and every one of you are really, very, very, very, very, special.  More special than anyone.  The most special EVER.  We mean it.  Truly.  However, since we all share the same goal of getting from Point A to Point B everyone's going to have to work together."

     "In order to get 140 bodies, and 485 cubic feet of luggage, settled on this plane quickly...we're going to all have to play the 'Others Might Just Have a Right to Occupy space on this planet' game."  

For example...

     "If you're in the aisle and there are people behind you but no one in front of you:  You are the problem.  Move." 

In other words...

     "Move your bohineys out of the freakin' aisle for one second so other people can get to their seats!"

or...

     "Yo - dude!  Yeah - I'm talkin' to you in the "I'm so hot you could fry an egg on me" t-shirt.  I said put the bag in wheels first!  Oh - and - you're delusional about the 'hot' thing."

Passengers bringing on food:

    "Ladies and Gentlemen, your attention please:  
     We regret to inform you that the FAA requires us to confiscate all doughnuts.
     Due to the heightened security code level...uh...fuchsia...the ingredients in doughnuts have been deemed unsafe in flight.
     Chocolate glazed doughnuts are especially dangerous.
     Please pass all doughnuts to the center as your flight attendants come through the aisle.  We will dispose of them for you.
     Thank you for your cooperation." 

Also...

     "May I have the attention of the passenger who brought on the delicious-smelling McDonald's french fries that are making everyone's mouths water.
     I just hope you brought enough for everyone."

Electronic Devices:

     "Yes - it's still the rule.
      No - the FAA hasn't changed it yet.
     If you want the rule changed we do encourage you to write your congressperson, the FAA, the pope, the president, and anyone else you can think of.  Please.
     Nothing would make us happier than to never discuss your electronic device again.  We're in about the same position asking people to detach from their technology as someone coming between a tiger cub and it's mama.
     We do not enjoy this.  The problem is if the guy next to you is with the FAA and we don't have you turn it off...we get a personal fine.    
     That's right - money taken from our paychecks...all so you can play Angry Birds a little bit longer."

and...

     "FYI - We do know that turning your phone face down on the armrest does not actually turn it off.
     Hello!  We can still see the glow of the screen.
     Turn.
     It.
     Off.
     Thanks so much.
     And for the tattle tale across the aisle:  Yes - we know the phone is on.  Yes, we are dealing with it."

Service:

    On early morning flights with short flying time we usually just have a juice service in main cabin.  (Think Dallas to Austin where the second you stop ascending the captain makes a P.A. saying we're starting our descent.)  All we get is little juice cups.  We have nothing else.

     People love to ask for things we don't have and refuse to believe we don't have an entire 7-11 of food and beverages at our fingertips at all times.

     "Ladies and Gentlemen.  Our beverage service this morning includes orange juice, apple juice, water and coffee.  Again - we have orange juice, apple juice, water, and coffee.  Anyone asking for root beer will be skipped.   We will come back to you if we have time.  (And I can tell you right now...we won't have time.)"

and...

     "Alright, listen up.  We do not.  Repeat - Do Not, have tabasco, A-1- Cholula, or whatever brand of hot sauce you prefer in your neck of the woods.  If it's on the tray - we have it.  If not - we don't.  We do not have refrigerators with a selection of condiments.  In fact, we don't have refrigerators at all.
     Acting huffy will not enable us to materialize your condiment of choice out of thin air."

and...

     "If you want coffee you're going to have to tell us how you take it.  Don't just keep saying "Coffee!" louder and louder when we ask how you take it.
     Here are some hints as to the kind of details we are looking for:  Cream?  Sugar?  Sweetener?  Just let us know.  We do not remember how you drank your coffee from your trip with us in 1977.  We do not read minds.
     We promise not to sell your coffee preference information.  Your secret is safe with us."  

Bad Attitude P.A.'s:

     "Ladies and Gentlemen - it has been a real pleasure having you onboard today.  We hope you fly with us again!  

     That goes for absolutely everyone...except Mr. Cranky-pants in 6A.
     We hope you never darken the door of our aircraft again.  Frankly, we hope you never go out in public again.
     You are a menace to your fellow human being.  You nearly knocked over that little old man trying to get out of his wheelchair.  You pushed past him to get to your seat ahead of everyone else.  You threw your jacket at a flight attendant who was helping another passenger, and then barked out your drink order. You spread your stuff all over your seat area, and all over the passenger's seat next to you.   You leaned your seat all the way back, even during the meal service, when the passenger behind you had no room to eat.
     You talked loudly on your phone, sharing some choice words that the parents behind you were hoping not to have to explain to their three year old quite yet.  

     Please - do us all a favor:  Buy your own jet so you really can be the most important person on the plane."

and...

     "Ladies and Gentlemen - Please ensure your seatbelt is fastened securely about you, hang on to your valuables...including those little ones.  
     We will be ejecting the passenger in seat 4F somewhere over Utah.  Sadly, he was simply too obnoxious to continue all the way to San Francisco with us.
     There may be a sensation of air rushing around you as he is ejected.  This is temporary.
     We're sorry for any inconvenience and appreciate your patience."

When everyone wants to party like it's 1999:

     Destinations like Las Vegas...and anywhere in Florida during spring break tend to bring out the worst in people.  

    "Ladies and Gentlemen - We have been in the cabin to serve you throughout the flight - we have given each of you 10 drinks per hour which is only making the lines to the lavatories longer.  You are all getting drunk and disorderly.  We are closing the bar.
     We must warn you that the ring function on your flight attendant call light has been disabled.  Instead, if you touch it, you will receive a very nasty electric shock.
     You are onboard an airplane.  It is a method of transportation.  It is not The Bar at the Playboy Mansion.
     Now, please, we encourage you all to sit back, relax, and chill-the-hell out!"

Preparing for landing:

     "For those in first class and business please ensure your footrests are stowed.
      ...for everyone in main cabin who doesn't even have room to cross your legs, much less a foot rest: nah nih nah nih boo boo."

   
Taxi-in:

     "I said:  "SIT DOWN.  NOW.
      I only wish I had a big Whack-a-Mole mallet so I could just pop all of your little heads back down."

and...

     "Ladies and Gentlemen - I'm sure you'll all be excited to know that the guy loudly yelling at everyone throughout the flight will be met by the authorities.  They are taking him off in chains.  They've passed a law against being really annoying in really tight quarters."

and...

     "Popping out of your seats like a Jack in the Box before the captain turns the seat belt sign off is silly.  It's true that we all get a kick out of watching you fly forward when the captain hits the brakes at the gate.  However, the fact is, you're on a window in the back of a packed airplane.  Where the heck do you think you're gonna go?

     Keep your seat - read your book - relax.  When people start stirring around you, you'll be able to unfold out of your seat, get your bags and go.

     Half-standing under the overhead bin for that six minutes loudly complaining that you're uncomfortable and everyone is too slow is pointless.  I get a crick in my neck just looking at you." 

Have a nice day!