The Mane of My Existence

     When I was younger life was much more angsty.  I'm not sure if age and wisdom make it better now, or the fact that hair products have improved. 

     Not that my hair troubles are over.

     Sometimes I wonder what percentage of my life has been devoted to my hair.  How many hours have I spent fiddling with it; having it cut, permed, dyed, styled, straightened, conditioned, brushed, braided, tugged and tortured?

     First my mother, and grandmothers, would go at it armed with Dippity-Do, Aqua Net, those scary fine toothed combs, and, occasionally  the back of the hair brush applied to my fidgety backside for the whining and the tears.  These days I actually pay people to do, pretty much the same stuff.  I can't whine and fidget because these people with the 3-letter names, like Zak, Zoe, or Max, charge a lot of money to torture me.

     And how often does my hair turn out looking the way I've envisioned?

     Approximately:  Never.

     When those hairdressers finish it looks shiny and full and flattering and perfect...for five minutes.  But then I have to leave the salon.  And the rest of the time, more often than not, I see an unkempt mess in the mirror.  I'm out in public wishing I had a hat to cover my limp locks.  My bangs are blocking my vision. or I suddenly sprout a skunk-stripe of grey roots.   And these are only a few of the hair hazards in my life.

     How many dollars have I spent on products and gadgets? 

     I've come a long way from the sticky Dippity-do and industrial strength Aqua Net of my childhood.  My first hair product 'win' was when No More Tears came out with a detangling product that made it possible for my extra-fine, extra tangled hair to be combed through without excruciating pain.  Wow!  Things were getting better.  No More Tears did exactly what it said it would!  Surely, other products would too!  Soon, the thick, green, detergent-like Prell gave way to Pert, and Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific!.  

     But those were just gateway products.  

     I needed more.  Soon there was cream rinse.  Breck Clean rinse to be exact.  Life was getting better and better.  I moved on to upgraded hair sprays, easy do-it-yourself dyes, and mousses.  

     Hair-styling tools improved too.  From my mom's aqua blue domed hair dryer, to hand-held blow dryers!  Then curling irons!  I thought life couldn't get much better.

    But just being untethered from the vacuum cleaner hose-attached hair bonnets isn't enough anymore.  Now it's ceramic flat irons, spiral barrel curling irons, and blow dryers with tourmaline Ionic Output Boosters...whatever the heck all that is.  (I'm pretty sure today's hair styling gadgets have more technology than the first spaceships.)  

     It wasn't all smooth sailing.  Before long I had to find products to fix the problems all my hair gymnastics were causing:   Shampoos to wash out all of the hair product build-up.  Color-saving products to help dyes last longer. Then heat protection sprays to fend off the frying effect of the styling tools.  Then along came de-frizzers, deep repair conditioners (remember VO5 Hot Oil Treatment?), glazes, pomades, lotions, gels, and volumizers...  All designed to rescue over-processed and over styled tresses.

     But products designed to fix the problems caused by other products wasn't even the worst of it!  The bigger problem is that a woman's hair woes don't stop at the neck.  Oh no.  

     The rules just change.  Sure I want long, thick, and luxuriant hair.  But only on top of my head!  Those same qualities are unappreciated on legs, brows, armpits, bikini lines, or the upper lip.

     There it must be shaved, zapped, plucked, groomed, bleached, tweezed, softened, or all- together eradicated.  (Who wear's short shorts?  We wear short shorts.  If you dare wear short shorts NAIR for short shorts!)

     I recently made the mistake of reading the definition of electrolysis.  It is the "Destruction of living tissue, especially of hair roots, by means of an electric current applied with a needle-shaped electrode."

     I never asked before how any hair removal concept worked.  Pretty much, a woman hears 'hair removal' and forks over money.  No questions asked.

     But, destroy living tissue?!  Is this really what we want?  The simple answer is:  Hell yes.

     A local laser hair removal place had a huge billboard in town that read:  "When hairy left Sally."  

     Advertisers know this chink in the female psyche and have made sure to exploit our insecurities about hair:  Too much, too little, too stubbly, too fine, too oily, too dry, not bouncing, not behaving...?   No problem!  They have a (smelly & expensive) product, or a (painful & expensive) service to take care of that!  

     The saddest thing is how fleeting moments of hair-nirvana are.

     When I find a hairstyle I like and can pull off, a hairdresser who can cut it, the right tools and products to make it work at home, and the rest of the hair on my body is beaten back into submission, something always seems to wreck it. 

    Hair keeps growing, stylists move, products change, we move to a different climate, our hair changes as we age, styles change...sometimes we just get bored.  With time (all too little time) stubble appears, roots grow, and magnifying mirrors reveal we haven't been paying enough attention lately... 

     Then we start all over again. 

   What was your favorite hair styling break-through?  What was your worst hair moment?  Best hair cut?  Please 'like' and share your thoughts.  Happy Wednesday!!