Stuff I Say

• Sometimes you can't see the mountains for the strip malls.

• post • já  vu   /post zha 'voo/  noun   1. a feeling of having posted the exact same thought on your Facebook status before   2.  a feeling of having had the exact conversation on a Facebook thread before

• The way birds go around flying and flapping all the time, you'd think they'd have some really burly biceps.

• Today I went to Staples.  I bought...staples.  I feel soooooo predictable.

• I'm fascinated by the tales we repeat throughout our lives - those stories our spouses see coming a mile away.

• Ditching your healthy-foods-only diet to have a perfect piece of coconut cream pie should be included on the list of The Seven Delightful Sins.

• That summer I was bitten by the travel bug and have never recovered.

• Do what you love.  Be who you are.  Live life to the fullest. 

•  Today is a special occasion.

• Stay in a grocery store for any length of time and you will find yourself caught up in a full-on, soul-crushing, mind-numbing, existential crisis.   You'll be pondering the futility of existence as Kansas tells you that "All we are is dust in the wind" over the 1700 store-wide speakers.

• I knew not everyone was happy.  I just didn't realize some people like it that way.  

• I love naps.  Am I a Restafarian?

• Listen, little missie!  I'll have you know I'm one hot ticket down at the retirement community!

• If I reach in my jacket pocket and there are no Kleenex...I have to assume I've put on someone else's jacket.

• I'm trying to live in the Present moment.  Your help would be appreciated.  I'm registered at Target.

• Death, itself, doesn't scare me, but skull motifs on everything creeps me the hell out.  I want my flowers to have cheerful bright centers instead of skulls and  Hello Kitty needs her fur and eyeballs in tact.  

• Sometimes on the plane I like to translate in my head what people surely intended to say. Example:  Someone grunts and waves a hand impatiently over their tray.  I translate that to mean:  "I enjoyed lunch very much and appreciate you serving me!  Would you please take my tray away now?  Thank you!"  (I admit to having a need to hear actual WORDS from time to time.)

• It's far better to have a cold to feed than a fever to starve...especially if there's pie in the house.

• When you think about it, our heads are usually over our heels.  

• Magic happens.

• I'm sick and miserable and stuffy.  I may have the plague.  I'm pretty sure I have the plague. Do people still get the plague because I think I have it?  Should we alert the health department and let them know that I probably have the plague?

• It's scary how quickly icy-cold weather makes me start doing a Yeti impersonation.  

• I think we should focus more on 'We the people...' than 'We the party...'  Of course I'd most like 'We the gluttons who are about to have a slice of pie'.

• You'd think a nation so focused on parties would be having more fun.

• If I'm doing something I hate to do, no amount of accolades and appreciation make it worthwhile.  

• Food packaging always has a 'Best Before: ......." date but, frankly, I'm more interested in finding out the "You'll Drop Dead If You Eat This After:  ......." date.

• Yes, I think it would kill me to make two trips.  

• I was trying to be extra quiet when getting settled into my hotel room in the middle of the night.  But, as usually happens when I try to be quiet, I made a lot of racket.  One, of several, of my fractious infractions involved hitting the wastebasket in the bathroom with the metal part of my phone charger.  The wastebasket was also metal.   It sounded like a temple gong being hit by 100 big strapping monks.

• What brand of magic do you possess that makes you so irresistible to me, Chili's Southwestern Egg Roll?

• Do felines have canines?

• Why don't washers have buzzers?  The stuff in the washer needs ignoring just as bad as the stuff in the dryer.

• Crazy is contagious.

• I might be makin' that up.  I've made shit up before.

• Looking back I can really see how much I've matured in some areas...also how I've im-matured in others.

• The middle-coast is a cool-sounding turn of phrase...but the beaches in, say, Saint Louis lack a certain something.

• Crazy is the new sane.

• Stop telling the truth this instant!  Don't you know it hurts?

• Enthusiasm is a gift.

• Nobody knows the trouble I've been.

• I hate it when days just pass by.  I hate when I feel I'm not being my best self.

• Knowledge without action is the same as ignorance.

• Those who can, do; those who can-can, dance.

• It's interesting how aerobic digging in your purse can be.

• Life is like exercise:  If your daily routine never makes your heart beat faster it's time to try something new.

• Anyone who says money doesn't buy happiness doesn't own a hot tub.

• You'd be surprised how little you can get done once you really put your mind to it.

• What can I say?  When it comes to home improvement projects, I'm very good at slapstick comedy.  If I had my own DIY show I'd probably get wooed by both HGTV and Comedy Central.

• We've all become so cynical.  I sometimes yearn for the innocence of a simpler time-a time when a paper banner across a toilet seat was enough to make us believe it really was sanitized for our protection.

• Wool sweaters are just so itchy.  I don't know how sheep can stand it!