Hell on (Three) Wheels

     A gate agent came down to brief the crew about our flight:

    "You're going to have two LEO's (Law Enforcement Officers) accompanying a prisoner.  They are armed.  And they need an aisle chair*."

     "Uhhh...wait.  One of the officers needs assistance?"  (I was picturing a pretty unfair race when the prisoner decided to ditch their mobility challenged guard.)

     "No." the agent says.  "The prisoner needs an aisle chair.  She only has one leg."

     "What could she possibly have done?"



     "Don't know."  The agent had zero curiosity about the subject.

     Hello!?  Personally, I couldn't stop thinking about what our one-legged felon might have been able to pull off.

     Did she rob a 7-11...or even a bank?

     Maybe she had a really souped up get-away scooter?

     "Catch me if you can coppers!!!"  I imagined her yelling over her shoulder as she raced from the scene of the crime at a blistering 3 m.p.h.

     My suspicion is she did what so many of her fellow scooter users do:  she killed or maimed someone with her cart.

     Topping the list of Very Good Reasons not to shop at Walmart is the fact that they provide those scooters to individuals who view riding on them as a blood sport.

     Seriously, they should administer a mental health exam before handing over the keys to those things.  Hide your children.  Give those scooters a wide berth.  They will not hesitate to hurt you!

     Yes, it's great that people who are having problems getting around can get their shopping done.  But, as you can probably tell, I have a little bit of an ax to grind with most of these folks.  That's probably because one of them willfully and maliciously ran over my foot.

     I got behind this passive-aggressive crazy woman in line.  I first noticed her because she was loudly berating the checker for not helping her.  (The checker was assisting the people ahead of her in line.)  In protest, she suddenly reversed the cart without looking behind her.

     I yelped in pain as she ran over my toes with her scooter-from-hell.  She then turned sharply, went forward then quickly backward, and gashed my shin with the organizer shelf she had hanging off the back of the thing.

     My guess is there was once a back-up beeper to warn people of abrupt maneuvers.  She probably had it removed.  A warning sound would just allow her prey to get away.

     I used to figure this was just an isolated event.   I have dodged scooter attackers when they 'can't quite stop in time' or they zig when they should have zagged.  I thought it was accidental-maybe it was their first time using the thing.

     Now I look for notches along their handle bars...or neat little rows of skulls and crossbones lined up on the back.  I'm pretty sure they brag among their scooter gangs about their injury counts.

     I think they resent people who can get around without help.  They won't rest until everyone else on the planet joins them.

---

*An aisle chair is a narrow, armless, wheeled chair used to get someone from their wheelchair down the aisle of the plane and to their seats....and back off again when they get to their destination.