Hell on (Three) Wheels

     A gate agent came down to brief the crew about our flight:

    "You're going to have two LEO's (Law Enforcement Officers) accompanying a prisoner.  They are armed.  And they need an aisle chair*."

     "Uhhh...wait.  One of the officers needs assistance?"  (I was picturing a pretty unfair race when the prisoner decided to ditch their mobility challenged guard.)

     "No." the agent says.  "The prisoner needs an aisle chair.  She only has one leg."

     "What could she possibly have done?"

Home Away From Home

     Holiday Inn's slogan for years was "The best surprise is no surprise."  I think this is an excellent credo for any hotel chain.  Averaging around 8 to 11 nights away from home per month, flight attendants develop a lot of preferences in the hotel experience.

     These can probably all be boiled down to "No Surprises".

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Grown-up Garanimals: Confessions of a Functionista

     I pretty much wear clothes because it's customary in our culture.  (Thank goodness.)  But wardrobe planning is not a talent of mine.  Through the years I've had some pretty drastic fashion highs and lows.

Wake-Up Call

     On a good day, on the road, when the alarm goes off I just get up.  My cell phone makes a gentle little harp-like sound.  It's as if my own little angel is gently nudging me out of sleep and into another lovely day.

On a bad day it goes more like this...

Stuff I Believe

     I read an article about writers needing to write from their belief system.  I decided I'd work on clarifying my own belief system by coming up with my own personal manifesto.  

     Knowing myself, as I do, I figured this would take the form of a snarky little list where I mentioned that I believe "God didn't make little green apples, and it don't rain in Indianapolis in the summer time", "I believe in music, oh I...believe in love", "I believe for every drop of rain that falls a flower grows", I believe paper cuts hurt.  I believe in empty threats.  I believe in having my cake and eating it too...
   
     Stuff like that; you know...obnoxious stuff.

     But I sat down at the keyboard and the following list materialized on my screen.  I guess I also believe in surprising myself.

Plane Talk-P.A.'s Flight Attendants Wish They Could Make

Photo by Arlene Denning

 Flight attendants are required to make certain announcements over the public address system.  (P.A.'s)  

   I usually stick with the company-approved announcements.  That doesn't mean other ideas don't occur to me.

Here are some of my fantasy P.A.'s:

Lost Conversations

   

 I've been thinking about all the conversations we no longer have.  

     As a kid our mail went to the post office.  Every day or two someone had to stop by and get the mail.  Invariably my mom would say:  "This'll take two shakes."  But I knew if I didn't roll the window down in the summer the car would get awfully hot before she got back.  

Green-Eyed Monster

     I was talking with two coworkers.  One was saying she needed to get a new car and asked what I drove.  I said I have a Mazda Miata.

     "I always wanted a convertible!", they both said at once.  They looked upset...and resentful. 

     I was confused by the way they'd phrased their response.  They both said they always wanted a convertible.  Past tense. 

Happiness Rocks

"Forget your troubles come on get happy..."

     I've been happy and I've been sad and the fact is: happy beats hell out of sad.

     I know that sounds obvious.  Who wouldn't choose happiness when given the option?  But, the sad truth is, most of us miss the opportunity at times.

Chain (Letter) Reaction

    "Every chain has a link.  Every link is a life.  Break the chain-lose a life.  Send this to 5 people or death will come for you. You have 24 hours."

     The first time I remember getting a chain letter was in Ms. Woods' 7th Grade homeroom. Wow.  Death threats are pretty heavy crap to be loading on a twelve year old.

     ...and it came from a 'friend'.

Viva San Miguel de Allende!

     San Miguel de Allende is a feast for the senses.

     It's the sound of horse's hooves clopping over cobblestone streets.

     It's the celebrants of Mexico's Independence from Spain cheering the entry of the insurgents into the Jardin. 

     It's someone shouting:  "Viva Mexico!"  And a crowd responding with "Viva!" 

     And a band (because there often seems to be a band) playing La Bikina and everyone singing along.  It's firework blasts *Pop Pop Pop* as the church bells dependably chime the time. 

A List is Just a List

     I use lists for two reasons.  I'll go ahead and make a list of my reasons:

         1-  To make myself sane.

         2-  To make myself go crazy.

Along Came A Spider: The Ambiguities of Murder in the Insect World

I guess he'd been hanging out in our kitchen for a while.  When I reached for a glass I saw the tiny spider spinning down from the ceiling on his gossamer thread.   The movement of the cabinet door set him moving to and fro unpleasantly close to my face.

         "You're cute, but you can't live here.  This kitchen is a No-Spiders Zone."   I thought I should explain our policies before ousting the intruder.