Five Dangerous Disorders You Can Catch From Your Computer!

       We all know computers can get viruses. But did you know some are contagious to humans?

        Here's my (made-up) list of five of the most serious ailments computers are spreading to humans.  If you have any of the following symptoms, I urge you to contact your high-speed Internet provider immediately.


1- Surfnesia

        "Who am I, and how did I get on this web page?" 


        Ever start out looking up a definition, say for the word 'haruspex', only to recover consciousness some hours later on an unfamiliar edge of the Internet with no memory of how you got there?  And you still don't know what 'haruspex'* means?

        Are you still discovering bank charges, made during a blackout, days after the episode?  Are books and cute shoes arriving in the mail that you have little or no memory of purchasing?

        Are you able to type your credit card information from memory, but can't remember your job title?

        These are just a few of the potentially quality-of-life-threatening symptoms that indicate a case of Surfnesia.

2 - Schizo-techno-phrenia (also known as Multiple-Search Personality Disorder-MSPD)

        Take a look at the last ten searches you've made on your computer.  Do they bear any resemblance to you, or the life you lead?

Assume for a moment your list looks like this:

         "Barnacles, Hermes Birkin bag, Coulrophobia, Lyrics to 'Against the Wind', Capricorn personality traits, Canine skin conditions, US House Intelligence Committee findings, Click and Clack's real names, How to make boysenberry jam, Slumming it in Monte Carlo"

        If you are the only user of your computer, and you don't recall looking any of these up, if you don't own a dog, and/or don't have a boysenberry patch, you may be suffering from Schizo-techno-phrenia

        This is an under-diagnosed condition that can lead to hours of wasted time looking up useless information you will never have occasion to use. 

3 - Web-based Eating Disorders

        "It's just me in the house, and I know I had a full bag of Cheetos when I sat down.  Now it's gone and I hate myself."

        Let's face it:  The Wide, Wide, World of Web is FUN!  

        And DISTRACTING!

        If you've ever caught yourself mindlessly munching while perusing the already endless, (and yet ever-increasing!) supply of articles, videos, photos, stories, songs, and flash-mob antics, you may need to reassess your habits.

        Excessive calories, combined with decreased metabolic rates, due to near coma-state activity levels, only exacerbate our struggles with weight.

        These behaviors impact both our physical and mental health.  And the vicious cycle continues, sometimes even leading to:

4 - Anti-Social Network Personality Disorder

        "I hate all of humanity and I can't wait to tell them!"

        All this staying inside, overspending, and overeating, can lead to poor self-esteem and, eventually, to projecting our low opinions of ourselves onto everyone else.  Perversely, someone dealing with this disorder will frequently be drawn to social networks.

        The value of these sites is that they feed our natural human desire to connect, interact, and form meaningful relationships.  But they can also be misused to further distance us from each other.

        If every post you read makes you want to spell-check, grammar-check, and all-around over-analyze and over-think, if you are missing the humor in something everyone else seems to find amusing, if you cannot muster a positive response to anything...

        Admit it:  you are rain just waiting to target your friend's parades.

        It just might be time to step away from your computer and work on building floats and gathering bands for your own festive parade of life.

5 - Internet Addiction

        "I got no problem with technology...so long as my browser's up and running.  If I'm unplugged, now that's a problem!"

        Internet addiction has become so widespread that there is actually a standardized test designed to measure the extent of our addictive behavior.  (netaddiction.com)   

        But I have a simpler test, with only two questions.  (So it won't take much time away from your web-browsing.):

        1- Can you remember the names of your children, and which name goes with which child?

        2- If you had to, would you be able to pick your spouse and/or the family pet out of a line-up?

         If you answered "No" to either of these question, your Internet use is excessive.

         I have to admit that I have seen many symptoms of these nasty viruses in myself.  Then again, that might just be my inner hypochondri-hack talking.

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*  I'll save you a trip down the Internet rabbit hole; Haruspex is a noun meaning  "A soothsayer divining from inspection of entrails, etc." (wiktionary.org) 

Don't ask me why I looked it up.  I have Surfnesia about the entire incident.

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Do any of these experiences sound familiar?  Would it be hard for you to disconnect?  Please share your symptoms and struggles in the comments below. 

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