Cats Who Can't Commit...And Their Humans Who Love Too Much

      I have an informal support group with friends who have cats.  Our relationships with our four-legged friends are similar:  We adore them...and they barely tolerate us.

      The stories we share read like cautionary 'tails' from a bad self-help book.  Here's a dramatized version of what many of us have been through:

      "At first we were happy. CaterWaulter," (not the cat's real name) "couldn't get enough of me."  Catherine, an executive in a multi-national finance company, is successful in all other areas of her life, but has serious issues when it comes to cats. 

      "We met in the parking lot at work.  He came right up to me and started flirting." 

      "I didn't even want a cat.  I mean...I know what they're like.  I've been hurt before."

      "But Waulter pursued me.  He was there by my car every day for the next two weeks.  He'd nudge up against me and let me scratch his belly.  He made me laugh."

      "Eventually, he wore me down.  I began to think things could be different with him."

      "Finally, I decided to take a chance."

      "It was good, at first.  We spent a lot of time together; playing, snuggling...sometimes we'd just hang out for hours saying nothing.  It felt like we were made for each other."  

      "I hated leaving in the mornings, and he couldn't wait for me to come back home...in the beginning, anyway."

      "But, it wasn't long before things began to change.  I'd try to kiss him and he'd turn away.  I'd pick him up and he'd wriggle out of my arms.  My attentions became more and more unwelcome."      

      "His rejection hurt.  I would try, pathetically, to win him back.   I became desperate to please." 

      "I'd make special food for him, make the water drip in the sink just the way he liked it, let him eat all my yogurt...  If he fell asleep in my lap I'd avoid waking him.  My arms and legs could fall asleep but I wouldn't budge." 

      "As if he needed the sleep!  I was the one out working all day to support us!"  Catherine sounds bitter.

      "It only got worse.  He began to disappear.  He'd leave in the middle of the night.  Sometimes he wouldn't come home."

      "He got abusive at times.   He'd turn on me and scratch without warning - even bit me a few times."  She takes a deep breath.  "I have scars."

      "I just can't understand it.  I did everything for him! What did I do wrong?” Catherine trails off, dabbing at her tears.

      This is all too common. 

      A cat woos with the charm of Casanova, then pulls away the minute you make room for him in your home and your heart.

      Most felines have fears around the idea of intimacy.  The stresses of life together bring up these fears:  veterinarians, brushing, nail clipping, your presence in their homes...  

      These all represent long-term attachment, and that terrifies them.  

      For many cats it will always be easier to leave than to stay and work through their fears.  

      They will, often, begin running away;  sometimes literally, sometimes they'll just hide on a shelf and ignore you calling their names.   

      A cat enjoys you fawning over him, but only on their schedules.

      You can't change them.  Cats change for no one. 

      You must change.

      You have to take a long look at your own beliefs and motivations:  Are you choosing a cat because you believe, deep down, that you don't deserve love?  

      Ask yourself this crucial question: 

      If you were truly ready for a loving, committed, pain-free relationship, would you not have chosen a dog?