My Pet's Peeves: 50 Ways I Annoy My Cat

     I irritate Ella a million times a day.  

     I'm so crazy about her and do my best to make her happy.  How can I piss her off so often...and so badly? 

     Easy!  Here are 50 (to narrow it down considerably) of Ella's least favorite things:

         1-Ella hates it when I get out of bed.  (She's usually plopped on me, and seems to say 'Hey...I'm sleepin' here!')

         2-It bothers her when I get up from a chair.   'Hey!  I'm takin' a nap here!' - (Yes, if Ella could talk, she would sound like a particularly annoyed New York cabbie.)  Ella would prefer I serve as her own personal mobile cat bed.  

         3-She hates it when I leave the house.  ('What?  You're leaving?  I might have some needs!  Fine.  Go work.  Make me some money, and be quick about it.  Leave treats before you go!  And don't be chintzy with them!')

         4-I piss her off when I pet her incorrectly.  (This encompasses many of her biggest peeves.)

         5-When I pet her unexpectedly.  (Yghrryeh!)

         6-When my hands have one molecule of H20 on them. 

         7-When I touch her tail.

         8-When I scratch her and she wanted to be stroked.

         9-When I stroke her and she wanted to be scratched.

         10-When I don't pet her and she wanted petting.

         11-When I don't give her enough treats.  (She has yet to have 'enough' treats.)

         12-When I come home.  (Where have you beeeeeeeennnnn!!!!???)

         13-When her litter box is not perfect.  (Perfectly clean goes without saying.  But she also needs:  Perfect depth, perfect smoothness.  I think she wants me to rake it into pleasing patterns like the Zen monks do with those Japanese rock gardens.)

         14-When I'm outside and make a move...scaring off a  bird she had in her sites.

         15-When I work on my computer.  (Keyboards are for me to nap on!  And hands are for petting, not typing!)

         16-When I give her attention.

        

         17-When I don't give her enough attention.

        

         18-When I go outside and don't let her come too.

        

         19-When I go back inside and don't let her come in immediately.  (Immediately meaning she wants to come in, but has to sniff every leaf, and plant on her leisurely stroll to the back door that I am holding open.)

        

         20-When I toss whatever items she's performing gravity testing on into the bedside stand.  (She's been painstakingly nudging things to the edge, preparing to watch them crash to the floor.)

        

         21-When I blow on her ears.  (Especially when I  pretend it wasn't me when she looks my way.)

         22-When I vaccum.

         23-When I sweep.

         24-When I stop dusting.  (Dusting is FUN!  Swat, swat, swat!)

         25-When I finish making up the bed.  (Making the bed is even bigger FUN!  She likes to roll in, around, and under the sheets, swipe at me as I try to tuck in the corners, and pull it all undone.  Good times!)

         26-When I eat the last bite of yogurt.  (All yogurt is Ella's yogurt.  Except that soy yogurt I bought once.  That really annoyed her!)

         27-I aggravate her when I walk around the house looking for her and calling her name.  (Duh!  She's hiding up on the shelf, ignoring me, for a reason!  She is unavailable for interaction.  Bug off!)

         28-When she's earnestly working away at making the linen cupboard door bang, bang, bang, against the cabinet, and I, rudely, pull a towel out to cushion the blow.  (Making annoying, repetitive noises is one of many items on Ella's Kitty Bill of Rights.)

         29-When I keep checking to make sure she's okay when she's crawled into the linen cupboard.  (Is there no privacy in this house??!!)   And speaking of privacy...

         30-When I talk to her when she's in her litter box.  (This is strictly private time and we must respect this and never speak of it.) 

         31-When I shut the bathroom door.  (Humans do not have the same rights to privacy.)

         32-When I shut any door in the house ever!

         33-When I print something and she's not in the room.  (It's her inalienable right to get to swat at and chew on the paper as her arch enemy, the Printer Monster, spits it out.)

         34-When I open or close the DVD tray and she's not there to catch it!

         35-When I shut the toilet lid and it's not filled yet.  She must watch the water fill up in the bowl.  (But she hates the flush.  The flush terrifies her.  Somehow, I should make it refill without that awful noise!)

         36-When I put Mr. Feather (her feathers on a string tied to a pole toy) in a high shelf.  (It takes a lot of planning to figure out how to scale those shelves.)   I'm just waiting for the day I find her with rappelling equipment trying to swing from the chandelier to get at him.

         37-When I wrap presents.  (She can ignore me all day but if I start to wrap a present she is desperate for all of my attention!)

         38-When I'm reading.  (Hello!!!  Reading is beyond annoying.)  Her disgust for this activity is shown by a) swatting at the pages, b) putting her head between me and the book, c) chewing on the corners, d) pathetically attempting to scratch her own ears by rubbing up against it, or e) flopping right on top of it the second it's at an acceptable angle.

        

         39-When her bowl is not filled.  (...or not freshened in the evening, even though it's still full.  An effort must be made even if she is not hungry.)

         40-When her water spills.  (...especially if she did it...she might have gotten (gasp) a drop of water on her!)

         41-When the window-mounted bird feeder is not full of birdseed.

         42-Even if the feeder is full, if the birds are not showing up frequently...it is my fault.

         43-When I'm walking through a dark room and don't see her.  (Special loud growl to indicate a) she's there, and b) she thinks I'm an idiot because I can't see in the dark.)

         44-When I take her to the vet.

         45-When I don't move fast enough.  (As when I'm headed toward the treat jar...slowly.)

         46-Conversely, when I make any sudden movements.

         47-When I answer her every time she meows.  (Like the instant she starts to make a noise I do the same noise back.  It drives her crazy.  Yeah, okay, this one's for my own amusement.)

        

         48-Basically, any action or activity, even her favorite things in the world, if they are not on her time schedule.

         49-When I take pictures of her.  (Hands are for petting and scratching!)

        

         50-And, of course:  When I dress her up as a leprechaun, princess, U.S. President, firecracker, the Easter Bunny, a reindeer, Santa Claus,....

      Okay, I admit that a few of these are actually intended to bug her.  

      Cats are just so darned smug sometimes...they're practically begging for us to mess with them.