My Pet's Peeves: 50 Ways I Annoy My Cat

     I irritate Ella a million times a day.  

     I'm so crazy about her and do my best to make her happy.  How can I piss her off so often...and so badly? 

     Easy!  Here are 50 (to narrow it down considerably) of Ella's least favorite things:

         1-Ella hates it when I get out of bed.  (She's usually plopped on me, and seems to say 'Hey...I'm sleepin' here!')

         2-It bothers her when I get up from a chair.   'Hey!  I'm takin' a nap here!' - (Yes, if Ella could talk, she would sound like a particularly annoyed New York cabbie.)  Ella would prefer I serve as her own personal mobile cat bed.  

Knight Life

http://www.cafepress.com/+templar-cross+boxers         

      I was talking to a man on a flight last week.  He has these neighbors from Romania who invited him and his wife over for a party.  One of the other guests was His Excellency, the local Romanian Consul.   (We both agreed that 'Your Excellency' is a pretty sweet title.)  

      The guy noticed His Excellency's distinctive lapel pin.   (A red cross with a silver sword over it.) 

      American:  "Is that a symbol of Romania?"

      Romanian:  "No.  I'm a Knight Templar."

How Watching Movies Can Make You Healthier

http://pgx.com/us/en

          There's a series of movies that will make you fitter and healthier.  It's like magic!  All you have to do is sit there on your keister and watch 'em.  

          But I warn you:  There's no going back.  Your brain will, officially, be washed. 

The Enforcer

hamwx.com

    Enforcing FAA regulations is the main reason my job exists.  Sadly, it also creates a lot of panic in certain passengers.

     The trickiest rule is for those passengers sitting in bulkhead rows.  These are the rows that have no seats in front of them.  Unfortunately, they also have no place to stow carry on items.  If you're in one of these rows everything has to go up for take-off and landing.  (Yep, even purses and laptops.)

Silence is Excruciating

zazzle.com

      

     One time I signed up for a 10-day meditation retreat.

     I'd read a book about meditation and tried doing the recommended exercises.  They were really hard and  I decided I'd never be able to wrestle my monkey-mind into quiet submission.  

Useful Susans

     Maybe you thought I'm only interested in trivial things like ugly carpet, outfits for pets, and, say, the quality of ice on airplanes.  

     But today I want to take a little of your time to discuss a serious matter.  This issue is very close to my heart.  I'm talking about the outrageous and ongoing defamation of the character of people named Susan.  

     This happens every time someone brings up the slanderously-named "Lazy Susan".   Seriously, this practically calls everyone named Susan out on one of the 7 Deadly Sins.

The Challenging Art of Doing Nothing

"There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want." - Bill Watterson

     A friend said recently:  "You sure like to be busy." 

     "No I don't.  I like to be lazy!"  She sort of snorted, in a 'yeah, right' kind of way.

      I really do aim at being lazy. I'm just not always that good at it. 

     My plan is to rush through getting my stuff done so I can lie around staring into space, maybe take a nap if the mood strikes...

     Decades ago I had this ongoing conversation with a girl I knew.  The general idea was that the world is divided into two types of people:  Be-ers and Do-ers.  

My Diva Demands

zazzle.com

         This week I've been researching what it takes to be a really obnoxious diva.   What with the way people become famous for nothing these days, you just never know when it might happen to you.  I, for one, plan to be prepared.

         The first thing any self-respecting diva needs is a large entourage.

         Madonna's most recent tour required an entourage of 200.   Now, I'm not going to try and out-diva Madonna.  I'm more aiming for an average between, say, Celine Dione, J. Lo., and Mariah.  

         I think a modest 50-70 people to do my bidding is a good start.

The Mane of My Existence

     When I was younger life was much more angsty.  I'm not sure if age and wisdom make it better now, or the fact that hair products have improved. 

     Not that my hair troubles are over.

     Sometimes I wonder what percentage of my life has been devoted to my hair.  How many hours have I spent fiddling with it; having it cut, permed, dyed, styled, straightened, conditioned, brushed, braided, tugged and tortured?

Facebook Nation

     "If facebook were a physical nation, it would now be the third most-populous on earth."  I read this in the July 22, 2010 issue of The Economist.  (I was waiting at the doctor's office and the pickings were slim.)

     Now there are a billion users.  In population it's still behind India and China...but not by much.

     But what would facebook really be like, as a nation?  Would it have the world's lowest GNP?  What about our test scores?  I mean, really, who has time for work and study when there are all those great posts to read?

     Here's what I imagine the nation of facebook's entry in an encyclopedia (remember those?) would look like: 

Ode to Pie

   

     A friend told me about a place in Seattle called 'Pie Bar'.  It's a bar...with pie! 

        Just the thought of it makes my heart skip a beat.

        This is from Sarah Galvin's almost too-good-to-be-believed account of the place:

        "I had a view of...a row of fresh pies
        cooling, grandma-style, on a windowsill.
        The bar's flagstone walls and chandeliers
        create the atmosphere of a tiny pie
        castle."

         

        A pie castle!?  Can you even think of anything in the world as exciting-sounding as a pie castle?

        It's like Cinderella decided to elope with both a baker and a bartender and the threesome consummated their beautifully unholy union on an extended honeymoon in a magical land:  Booze and buttery crusts!  Glass slippers and taffeta flying willy-nilly off the turrets!  Coconut cream-filled moats, and merengue-breathing dragons.  What a delightful scene of debauchery!  

Bad Break-Up

-Winter 1993

         I'm living in Manhattan...but just barely. 

         I limp around the city with a hole in my heart the size of the Chrysler Building.

         It doesn't help that everyone else is in a happy relationship.  Everywhere I look I see smiling couples; arm in arm, kissing, gazing at each other, picking out towels and china at Macy's and Gracious Home.

Bond, Mrs. James Bond

From wiki.org

        Bond girls are exotic and mysterious, and mystery just doesn't have a very long shelf-life.     

        I've been pondering the role of Bond girls since this little incident:

        Michael was opening a bottle of champagne to celebrate our anniversary.  I couldn't stop myself from saying:

        "Don't forget to point it away from your face!"  Michael looks irritated.  

        "A Bond girl would never say that to 007."  He says.