I'm staying at a hotel I first stayed at about 28 years ago when I was a brand new flight attendant based in New York. It seems most hotels change every time I'm back in a city...but not this one. I'm usually excited to see this hotel chain on the schedule. "Yay"!, I think. "A Doubletree! I get a cookie!" 'cause they pass out The Cookie. Each one contains a barrel of dark chocolate chips, two sticks of butter, and some especially-addicting form of crack cocaine. They pass them out hot. Complete ooey-gooey perfection.
They tantalize your taste buds, hep your nerves up, fatten up the physique, and leave you craving for more, more, more!!! In short: they are heaven. There goes the healthy eating...again.
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But at some point around arrival I tend to think: "Oh...yeah. This hotel. I'd better allow extra time to get down to the lobby in the morning."
A map of this hotel looks like a major metropolitan airport map, had sex with an Escher painting, and they had a baby.
There are about 14 wings to the hotel, 595 floors, and 200 sets of elevators. The elevators only stop on certain floors, depending on the month, year, and position of the sun. There are walkways that cross over to other wings..but only on certain floors, and only if you are an Aquarius. The wings, stairs, elevators, and rooms, all change positions when you're not looking, much like the moving stairs at Hogwarts. There are hidden doorways, and some doors that can't be opened at all. Rooms are not in numerical order and change places by the season. Entire wings disappear and then reappear elsewhere. As if that's not bad enough: the decor on each floor, in each wing...is absolutely identical. Even if you see a chip in the paint somewhere, and foolishly think you'll use it to mark your way...you'll see the identical chip on another floor...in another wing.
The front desk gives you directions to your room that read like a flight plan to Jupiter.
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This hotel is my personal nemesis.
On one of my first layovers here I started to go down for our early-morning pick up. I had plenty of time...to begin with. But then I got so lost and confused that I had to push my way out an emergency exit and walk allllllll the way around the buildings, through the many many parking lots, in the dark, to wend my way to the lobby.
I was late for pick up. (Punctuality is absolutely everything in this job!) And that wasn't the only time I had trouble here. At this point I leave more time for my walk to the lobby than I allow for the flight to get home.
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After all these years I thought I'd learned my lesson. I now get clear directions from the front desk. I watch like a hawk for each bend in the hallways I take with the crew to our designated area. I notice which elevators we take, which buttons we push, which floor we get off on, which way we walk when exiting the elevators.
Today was no exception.
Except one thing.
Today I got to my room and thought: I'm going to go sit by the pool. It was a beautiful day out, I'd seen from passing the pool that no one was there, (so I'd still be plenty distant from other humans)...and the thought of sitting in a dark room on a crystal clear day seemed like a crime.
There are lots of beautifully landscaped areas (that you can see as you walk those loooong corridors between wings). They look like a magical Japanese Garden. In all these years I have never once had the time or the inclination to actually hang out in them. But today I thought I'd just stretch my legs a little.---
I followed the signs that said 'Pool'...went over a ramp, down to another set of elevators, down to ground level, and tried to push the door open to go to the pool.
It wouldn't budge. Then I saw there was a card reader. I put my room key in and get a red light. I back up and notice a small sign that says the pool is closed for repairs. I think: "Well, hell, it's a pretty day out...but freezing. I'm not getting in the pool. I just want to spend a few minutes breathing fresh air."
There's glass everywhere. I see another doorway and think I'll try that. Nope. Won't work. From there I see yet another doorway and head to that. Also a no-go. The pool area is good and truly closed.
Boom! Success. Turns out it's the smoking area, but I don't care. There's almost no one in the entire hotel, and definitely no one in this area.
I sit down and take in the scene. The trees sway in the breeze, some small and personality-packed squirrels scamper around, birds swoop and squawk overhead, and one solemn gray cat stalks some poor creature just out of my sight.
Ahhh...lovely. I call Michael to share the beauty of the scenery...and gloat over the cookie I'm eating.
I stay there until I'm a little stiff from sitting and from the chill, and I need to go to the bathroom.
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That's when I realize I don't have a clue how to get back to my room. I'm not even positive what my room number is.
I spend a good 20 minutes trying to retrace my steps, going to the 07 room on each floor. (I know my room ends in 07...but I'm not sure the preceding digits which denote the wing, floor etc. ). I check out each floor I think it is. They all look alike.
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| Accidental photo in an elevator...that captures the lost vibe pretty well. |
I study from the walkways the room I know is '07' on each floor trying to find the one with the curtains left ajar in just the way I left mine.
Eventually I realize I am on the near-to-the-lobby walkway of the wings, instead of the far walkway.
I push out of one of the exit doors, make my way around the parking lot, come back through the lobby, go to the far walkway...and once again check out all the '07' rooms from the walkways.
I finally see one room with the curtain ajar, make my way back up to it and, thankfully, the key works in the lock (they sometimes mysteriously expire during a stay). Phew! Made it.
I feel very grateful for modern amenities like...toilets.
And also feel very foolish. "Have I learned nothing?", I wonder.
In 28 years I've yet to master this stupid hotel.
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