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| View over our house last night |
Delusions
Even after 24 years with Michael I still get surprised we fight.
"How'd we get here?", I'll think as we are falling off that metaphoric cliff. Leaving our happy and harmonious home to plummet into the deep pit of despair and discord.
The longer we're together the sooner I see the change of terrain. Not that it helps that much...once I'm falling there's usually a well of anger that rises up and my brain is completely bypassed for a time.
Elements of a Battle
Our arguments usually boil down to a predictable set of circumstances:
1-Being tired
2-Communicating badly
3-Not Adjusting to Change-Something has changed in our lives and we haven't identified the problems the change will cause and figured out how to deal with them.
4-Martyrdom - One or both of us is feeling put-upon.
Correction: I'm going to say it's always both of us. It may start as just one of us sharing our feelings that something isn't arranged fairly, but then the sub-battle is on for who is the most hard-done-by. I'm not proud of this, but the truth is the title of Biggest Martyr becomes a prized trophy when we get into a fight.
Current Squabble
Last night's Disagreement du Jour was over meal prep.
I've gotten a pretty good system going for planning meals, buying groceries, (delivered, of course: See 'Grocery Store-a-phobia', and 'Delivery Devotees' to understand how this has evolved), and meal cooking.
I have been taking real pride lately in the fact that I am regularly a) doing all of the above, and b) feeling pretty good about it. I have been trying to eat really well, and have (finally) figured out ways to do it pretty easily.
But I got up at 4 a.m. Texas time in Washington, DC, worked a trip home, and had a million things I wanted to get done during the day. By dinner time I was exhausted. (#1 in the above Elements of Battle List). I should have communicated that I was tired (Element #2) and either asked Michael to cook, or just done something really simple, but I wanted to prepare what I'd planned, so I just pressed on.
I was building my martyr list in my head because: I was tired, I worked, I was still cooking dinner....blah blah blah... But then Michael said: "I'm going back to intermittent fasting and don't want to eat this late anymore. (It was after 8 by the time dinner was ready.)
So then my head began melting down because:
-we were NEVER EVER EVER EVER going to eat meals together again...a clear sign that...
-our relationship had devolved to no fun and no shared experiences,
-Michael doesn't want to help with anything ever ever ever ever....
-we will never cook a meal together ever ever ever again.....
-Michael doesn't appreciate how much I put into making sure we have the food for healthy and nice meals....
This is the short and less detailed list of my gripes. My brain, of course, was able to quickly find all manner of examples of past events that supported all of these ideas.
Reality is Out the Window Entirely
It becomes really, really, hard to get out of the Pit of Despair and Bickering
We both develop instant amnesia about all of the things we love about each other.
I can't remember that Michael just that afternoon stuffed our Christmas cards in their envelopes, and put stamps on them. He'd cleaned up the million acorns our tree is dropping in the front yard, he'd taken out the trash, he'd welcomed me home and brought in my bags...and on and on and on.
But I couldn't see the good...just the bad. Suddenly, Molehills looked exactly like mountains
Bad Friends in the Trenches
Certain Comrades in Arms appear when you're in the midst of the battleground. These guys will look like your best buddies in the trenches. Their names are: Sarcasm, Pessimism, Doom, and Gloom.
These are the Four Horses of the Marital Apocalypse.
And who's the deserter from the war?
That guy that's been your best friend through your entire relationship. The fellow soldier that's made most days of your marriage an absolute dream goes AWOL when things get darkest: I'm, of course talking about Humor.
That bastard is nowhere to be found.
And once humor is gone...all hope is lost.
So The Battle Begins...
In our case there are raised voices and nonsensical complaints, arguments, and 'evidence'. If Humor hadn't left entirely we would notice how ridiculous we're being...but we don't.
It feels like the battle goes on forever, but really, we tend to work through the stages of fights pretty fast:
-Blow up
-Yell a laundry list of complaints
-The other person responds with their own laundry list of complaints
-Try to one-up each other on whose complaints are the worst
-Wallow a bit in despair that we can't find anything to help the situation
-Identify the actual issues
-Come up with a plan to fix them-Make up
-Resume our regularly-scheduled life
A Relationship Without Fights
I'm always surprised when I hear couples say they never argue.
On the one hand that sounds so calm and pleasant...on the other hand I wonder if they're really working things out. Maybe things are getting swept under the rug, maybe they're saints...maybe they're so logical and dispassionate that they negotiate life using Robert's Rules of Order?
Based on my relationship history I see that the people I didn't argue with were people I didn't feel there was a chance to work things out with. Our differences were so vast that we just shut down on certain subjects. Conflict got swallowed, until the day one or both of us couldn't take it anymore...and then we split up.
With Michael I know that things can be really really amazing. I know we can work out the issues that come up. I'm willing to fight through our differences instead of settle for less than great.
Peace Returns
Getting enough rest goes a long way toward minimizing when things get out of hand, but the areas of change are ever mutating.
Neither of us have a set schedule week-to-week. Our diets and routines and plans are constantly evolving. We tend to have to run right into a problem before we address it.
But then we figure it out, and can go forward with a new way to make things work. The air is cleared, and life is good again.
And then we remember that we actually like each other a lot. And we always get to this conclusions before bedtime...because we're addicted to spooning and you can't cuddle if you're mad.
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