December 29, 2019 - 107 - "Hey!: Only I Can Insult Me"

Self-Deprecation:  Exaggeration For a Laugh or Underselling Yourself?"  

    I've been doing one of those Master Classes online.  The instructor is David Sedaris.  (So talented and sooo hilarious.)  

     The only other class I've taken is Steve Martin's.  Do you see a theme here?  

     The good news:  I'm working on becoming a fantastically funny writer.  The bad news:  So far I'm only known for funny grammar and spelling.  

     Did you see what I did there?  I'm utilizing one of the top three writing tools recommended by David Sedaris:  Self-deprecating humor.  (Well, more of a self-deprecating comment, really.  Oh...there I go again.) . 

     In researching this post I found a lot of positive articles about a person using self-deprecating humor as having a high EQ (Emotional Intelligence).  It's supposed to be a good thing, for example, if a leader is able to recognize their own shortcomings and laugh about them.

A Double-Edged Sword

     But there are some problems with this type of humor.

     First of all...if you're not a particularly healthy person, it can be used to make everyone around you constantly bolster you up.  Like in "The Joy Luck Club" where one of the mom's, Mrs. Jong, "by tradition, criticizes her own cooking as a way of eliciting compliments."  (from cliffsnotes.com)  Her daughter is horrified when Rich, her fiance, agrees with Mrs. Jong's criticism about one of her specialty dishes. 

 
  

      I knew a woman who did this incessantly.  But she wasn't doing it about areas she struggled with...she only did it about things she was great at.  Examples:  She always looked flawless but would say:  "I don't guess I dress very well."  She was a fabulous cook but would comment:  "Not that I know how to make a meal."  

     Everyone around (except those who'd been dealing with this for years on end) would gasp in horror:  "Oh nooooo....you're the best dresser ever, and a fabulous cook....!!" 

     I guess with these two examples they aren't talking about things they're genuinely struggling with.  They're not bringing up their low self esteem but instead the qualities they are most proud of.
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     This is why when I want compliments about something I try to be more direct.  

     Something like:  "So...how fabulous do you think these shoes are?" or "I feel really self-conscious about dinner...feel free to tell me it tastes good.  Especially if it doesn't."   

     I mean, it's still manipulative, but at least I'm upfront about it.  

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On The Other Hand...
We're Not That Bad? 

     Our neighborhood had a band for years.  When it started they were desperately trying to get volunteers to join in.  

     I played tenor saxophone through my sophomore year of high school...and hadn't played since.  The band actually had a few talented players who actually practiced and everything...but for the most part the players were more like me. .  They dug out an old horn and tried to summon enough wind to make some sounds come out.  If we could actually hit the correct note from time to time, we felt we'd done our part to make the band happen for another year. 

    It was always a lot of fun.  The first year I was in it we marched...but every subsequent year we were the neighborhood "No Longer Marching" band.  (Walking, playing, breathing, and blowing a horn is a lot to ask a bunch of middle aged non-musicians to do.)  Once we commandeered a trailer and rode around in the parade, our quality of playing went up dramatically...a bit.

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     When the National Cowgirl Hall of Fame opened here in Fort Worth I got a call asking if we'd play for the parade at their opening.

    I was flattered and said I'd ask everyone what they thought.  Then I got worried...what were this woman's expectations?

Me:  Uh...you know we're not, uh,...good, right?

Her:  (Dying laughing.  She couldn't catch her breath to answer she was laughing so hard.)                      Oh, I know that, I've heard you!!  (More laughing...)

     So then I was thinking:  'Well, we're kind of good.  People love to see us coming.  Who's uncheered by a John Phillip Sousa march?  We've got fans....!'

     And this brings me to the really bad part of self-deprecating humor:  

Sometimes people will agree with you.  

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I Did Have That One Deep Thought...   

     Here's something that happened to me this fall...

     I was at a party and the hostess mentioned my blog.

Her:  "Why don't you do that anymore?"
Me:  "Funny you mention it; actually, I just started it again."

Man in the Group:  "What's the name of your blog?  I'll look it up."
Me;  "Deep Thoughts on Serious Subjects"
Him:  (He rolls his eyes.) . Riiiiiiiight.....
Me:  "Well, it's meant to be ironic.  Sort of tongue-in-cheek..."
Him:  (scathingly)  Obviously.   (His wife hits him.)

    So then I was suddenly thinking:  Well...I've talked about some fairly serious subjects before.  My thoughts aren't sooooo shallow. 

     Well, not all the time, anyway.  

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     So I see now that I am the woman I complained about:  complaining about something about myself...then offended if someone else agrees.  It's sort of the same concept of:  'I can beat up on my little brother, but I'll defend him to the death if you try it.' 

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"I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific."

-Lily Tomlin

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"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."

-Oscar Wilde

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