April 7, 2020 - 207 - "Not Just Another Covid Conspiracy Theory. You Heard It Here First, Folks!"

Batshit Crazy     

     First, I'd like to say that I just dearly love the term 'Batshit Crazy'.  I would work this little gem into every conversation if it wouldn't make me seem like I'm batshit crazy for doing it.  (See what I did there?)

     Second, I want to add that I am aware that anyone with a conspiracy theory is going to sound  like a crackpot.  It's just a given. 

     I know I've been cornered at a party, or in the galley of a plane by someone with ludicrous conspiracy fantasies that they believe to be the one and only truth that only they are privy to.  But that they feel the need to inform me of...at length.

     It’s exhausting to watch them freak out.  There's always a crazed, haunted, look in their eyes.  Kind of like Ella when a fly has suddenly invaded her territory but is too high up the wall for her to reach.

     Normally, I don't put much stock in the ideas voiced by someone running around wearing a tin foil hat...but the truth I realized this morning could be so detrimental to the future of our survival as a species that I must overcome my normal concern about appearing deranged (bwaahaahaaa)...and just go right ahead and share this important information. 

It's Obvious Once You Consider the Facts

    I feel foolish I didn't think of it before.  It's hiding in plain sight. 

    I know who's behind this whole Corona thing!  

    Now hear me out here.  It sounds crazy at first, but I encourage you to ask yourselves the following questions.   I defy you to come up with any other conclusion than the one I arrived at:  

    Who has the most to benefit from none of us leaving our homes?

     Who makes money while we stay home?

     Who makes money if we need extra supplies?  Who sends us stuff like:  toilet paper, antiseptic wipes,  thermometers,  masks, and the really life-sustaining stuff like Shelter-In-Place Sized bags of Reese's Pieces?  

    Who sells not one or two of the above items, but allll of them?

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     Is it coming to you?  It's not Hillary Clinton, Bill Gates, or Elvis's Ghost.  It's not someone else that makes a good villain because they're smarter and richer than we are.

    It's a faceless entity that moves amongst us!  They come to every home, in every neighborhood, in all of these United States.  They interact with millions across this great land of ours...and beyond! 

I Didn't Want to Believe It Either 

     This organization has cleverly and carefully worked its way into my life.   I'd even go so far as to say into my heart.  They do me favors on a regular basis and I have come to rely on them, trust them, be grateful to them. 

    Who brings me paper and ink when our printer is out?

    Who brings medicine when we're sick?

    Who immediately sends random home and beauty products to my door?  Who has them on their way to me only moments after I read about them on someone's blog? 

    I'm sure you're way ahead of me on this:  Amazon!

Follow the Money, People

     Yep.  Amazon.   

    They deliver us things.   SOOOO MANY things!   Some of them from...China!

     All they had to do to begin the pandemic was to contaminate a few packages.  Just a few.  Since everybody and their brother receives Amazon deliveries...it could never be traced to them!

     Then those innocent people spread the disease to other other Amazon buyers...and to the 23 people in the country who don't actually get things from Amazon.  And, voila!...they are above suspicion.

     The worst of it is:  they end up looking like heroes when they deliver those over-priced, behind schedule, medical supplies you've been begging for.  

     They cause the problem...then help fix it, and come out smelling like roses.

     Again I say:  follow the money.  Who's making more money than anyone off of this crisis?  Amazon!

     And what does Amazon spell backwards?  Nozama!  

     And what does that have to do with anything?  I don't know!  But I bet they do!  They and their elite world order band of criminals who've made a deal with the devil to prey on innocent citizens and take over the world!

Oh Wait

    Huh.  That's where my theory breaks down a bit.  I mean...Now I'm remembering that they took over the world a long time ago.  I drank the Amazon Kool Aid years ago.  (They delivered a lifetime supply of it for cheap...and it was same-day delivery!)  

    They've turned me into a homebody.  Now I feel annoyed when I have to go actually run an errand in the real world.
     
    So, well, there's a chance I could be wrong about this.  I mean...they were already getting all of our money.  And, in the long run, if this Covid thing causes us to stay at home too much, how will we make money...to spend it all on Amazon?.
   
    Huh.  Then they'll be hurting too.

Disregard

    Well, as Gilda Radner would have said when playing Emily Litella and delivering a news story all wrong:  

      "Never mind."

Relieved

    I'm actually really glad to prove my own whacked out conspiracy theory wrong.  

     Now I don't have to feel bad when I continue to order stuff from the evil empire.  

Phew!

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Chevy Chase:

     And now with tonight's commentary; Miss Emily Litella.

Emily Litella:

     Thank you, cheddar.  What's all this talk about violins on tv:  I think we need more violins and less of that loud rock music.  And furthermore...

Chevy Chase:

    Uh, excuse me; Miss Litella.  It's violence on tv, not violins.Emily Litella:

     Oh.  That's very different.  Nevermind.

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"Imagine wasting all that perfectly good anger on paranoid fantasies.  Not since Emily Litella got upset about "Soviet jewelry" has there been such a waste of anger.  You will notice a certain theme to these Emily Litella Moments.  Behind them all is a touching faith that someone, somewhere is actually in charge of what's happening - a proposition I beg leave to doubt."

-Molly Ivins

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